| by Sol Lagunas | No comments

Grieving A Loss

On May 23rd, 2018 I greeted my newborn baby. I felt excited and happy, rejoicing in Gods blessings. Thanking Him for allowing me to be a mother again. Thanking Him for picking me out of the many women in the world to raise His child.

What I Imagined

I bought two pairs of newborn onesies and two pairs of newborn outfits. Because I imagined my son would outgrow that size in a couple of days. Not knowing my son would be wearing newborn for almost 3 months of his life.

I contemplated returning the newborn size diapers we received at our shower. Because I imagined my son growing fast and wearing size 1 in a few weeks. Not knowing my son would be wearing newborn diapers for almost 5 months of his life.

I bought all breastfeeding essentials. I did not spend a penny on one bottle. No formula, no infant water. Because I imagined myself breastfeeding my son until he was 1 year old. Not knowing my son would have difficulty latching on to me.

I imagined this baby boy, light skinned, green eyes like his dad. I imagined him with thick, dark hair like mine. I imagined him reaching milestones early like Elyanna and I imagined him out wearing his clothes quickly like Camilla.

What God Gave Me

On May 23rd, 2018. I said goodbye to the baby I imagined in my head and said hello to the gift God placed in my hands. Surprised and blessed all at the same time.

A new baby was born. The strength like his mommy. The patience like his dad. The loving smile like his sisters. He is light skinned with hazel eyes. He will outgrow his clothes and he will reach his milestones. Although his hair is not dark and thick, he is like me too.

He is US, there’s no difference, just an extra chromosome.

My Grief

I am entitled to grieve. I did not physically loose a child but I lost the child I had imagined for 9 months. And in no way, shape, or form am I sad for the son God gave me. But I do have the right to grieve.

I grieved the idea I had created in my head but I was blessed with someone better than what I had imagined. There is not a person in this world who has taught me more than he has. There is not a person in this world whom I’ve loved more than I love him.

My son is a fighter, resilient, and strong. He is 9 months but has been through much more than I have in my 29 years of existence.

What I Learned

I learned to take it one day at a time. I learned to accept my reality when it is not what I expected. I learned that God lays the path that we walk in. I learned that our losses will seem small compare to our blessings. I learned I am stronger than what I thought I would be.

On May 23, 2018, I lost the child I imagined. But God gave me my most precious gift of all, Rodrigo Ivan Almazan Jr.

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